Forgiveness - Originally Posted 03-21-10

Forgiveness has become my favorite word of late. I have thought about it for a while. A few days ago I thought of something. God's forgiveness comes easy. You just ask for it. Forgiveness from other people is a little more difficult. They have to give it willingly. Forgiving other people is even harder. You have to admit you were wrong. That can be a huge blow to the ego. Finally, forgiving yourself is the hardest. I am not sure if you can truly have that without the above.

During my semi-retirement I have thought a lot about this. I am trying to take this time to right some wrongs in my life. No, I am not dying of some dreaded disease. I am not recovering from any addictions. I have not reached the "bottom". I did not see three spirits on Christmas eve. Nor did I have a revelation on the road to Damascus. (Some of you may have to look that one up. I'll give you a hint: it's in the book of Acts.) Side note: I don't like those down and out stories. Why do they wait until they are digging through the trash for their next meal. Then, a bright light shines on them and they see Jesus, God, Buddha, whoever. That was never me. I just "grew up" I guess. I just decided it was time to let go.

The years 1980 to 1989 were the worst years of my life. I spent them consumed by anger, hate, bitterness, and revenge. I was a terrible person. I lashed out at everyone I knew. There are probably less than five people who could say something nice about me from those years. I still can't listen to music, movies, or anything from those years. Those old ghosts are really powerful. We took the kids to see High School Musical 3. I did not sleep for three nights and had nightmares when I did.

That brings me to my point. A week or so ago, I sent some messages. You know how you are supposed to start small with a goal and work your way up. Well, I started with the biggest and worked my way down. One went well. The other, not so well. I reconnected with someone who I was terrible to. I mean I was horrible. If she had never wanted to speak to me again, I would understand. She accepted my apology and forgave me. She wrote me back and we started being friends. She has a great husband and a good life. She is still as sweet and wonderful as when I knew her back then. You would not believe the weight that feels like has been lifted. Tammy thought it was great for me as well. The other, I have not heard back from. I guess some wounds just run too deep to heal.

I am trying to reach out more. It's a really long list. Remember those mason jars of jelly beans where you have to guess how many are in there? That is what I am like. It is very difficult, but not impossible. Think of all the jelly beans as my sins against others. They are poison and black in a dark room. Also, the jar may or may not be full. The only way to know is to take out and count each and every one until the jar is empty. My ideal would be for the jar to be emptied. But that is not possible. Some people I have lost contact with. Some have passed on. Some just do not want to hear from me no matter what. The list goes on. But, I try to pull out the jelly beans I can see. I think I get better with each one that is removed. Some, I just can't reach.

I was never a good son, brother, cousin, etc. Very few thought of me as a good friend. The rest just did not want to know. Someone once told me that people have to work too hard to be my friend. I make it difficult for them. Most people just don't want to put in that kind of work. And, yes, I hurt a lot of people I knew. Some deserved it, most did not. I have been trying to change that over the past twenty years. Some days are better than others. The truth is you can not change who you are. I am still the same person I was back then. I just like to think I have improved a little and grown up.

Anyway, that's my soap box speech for the day. Thanks for reading.